Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I will pee on everything he values.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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