using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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