Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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