Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
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