guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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