I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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