Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I forgot wine drunk hurts
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
