I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
