Don't you send me to vm
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
