Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
