she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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