What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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