His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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