new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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