you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
