I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
pop tarts are not kleenex
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
