You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
