new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
