I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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