I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
