saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
