I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
