if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
