On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
