If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
