I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
