god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize