My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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