how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
