Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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