I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
