Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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