I'm sorry my penis didn't work
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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