If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Randomize
