Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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