Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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