i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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