She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
