Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
