My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I think I sprained my soul last night
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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