If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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