Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
