oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
This house was built for laser tag.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
