i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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