Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
