I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
