you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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