u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
