after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
