dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
