A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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