does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
