I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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