I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
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