I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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