You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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