The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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