i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
