checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
