I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
